Letters I Never Wrote

~ Letters I Never Wrote ~

(but finally did)

In my life, there have been many people with whom I have made their acquaintance. People have touched my heart, calmed my fears, caused great sorrow, raised my ire, provoked much grief and opened my heart with love. Yet, a good many of these people have disappeared from my life as to be attributed to: just losing touch, them moving away, death, marriage, divorce, hurt feelings or some real or imagined injustice having taken place. The following letters that I have written - are the communications that I wish I had written to them, as my last correspondence and connection to these people. In respect for some of the sensitive situations, and some hurt feelings that resulted, I have used a nickname or pseudonym of the real persons to whom I finally composed a letter. The letters in this document will be continually added to. They are in no order: neither of importance nor chronological. Whether or not the addressees read them, at least they were written. This is Life - it's about forgiveness, self-affirming and taking care of yourself.

Dear Mrs. Claypool,

I just feel the need to follow-up with the conversation that we had in the principal’s office. I realize that the circumstances did not look favorable in my behalf…that a changed test answer on a test to match Kathy’s (who sat next to me) test next to me did not look good, did it? I do want to assure you – I did NOT cheat on that test. I may have been a little difficult to deal with in class on a few occasions, but I assure you that I did have integrity, and I would never

1) cheat on a test

2) then lie about having done so

I realize that you really wanted the principal to “find me guilty”, and bestow punishment on me, but it would have been undeserved. I believe he truly felt I was innocent, God Rest His Soul. I was innocent. I am innocent. And you got ‘way too personally involved with your personal feelings about me, instead of the situation at hand. Maybe you learned from this. I sure did. Sincerely, Me

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Dear Lynn,

You were my best friend. I loved you like a sister. Our closeness and the need to share with each other provided me with something that I had missed from not having had a sister. I am sorry that I disappointed you in my actions. I wish that I could undo the past. I wish that I had talked to you more about my feelings, than displaying my frustration. I should have sought your counsel in all my confusion. I have thought about you throughout my life, and see your face in faces that briefly come before me everyday encounters. Your gentleness and merriment have always stayed with me. I wonder if you ever think about me. I have dealt with a lot of my ghosts in recent years. But the one ghost that I cannot face, is ever facing you again in this life. The pain of losing your friendship once was almost too great to bear. I have never known such regret of a losing a relationship as I experienced with losing a friend in you at the age of 16. I wish I could re-live the past to witness a different conclusion.

Forever, all my love, Me

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Dear Nina:

How are you? I know you have passed on, but I just wanted to touch base with you. I felt you would not mind. I just wanted to thank you for all the years of piano lessons you gave me…and the encouragement that I could be a good pianist. I guess I progressed fairly far into music, but something happened on the way to being a young adult. I had an auto accident where I was the drunk driver. My poor eye-hand coordination and mild motor impediments caused me to close the lid of the piano, and abandon playing. My grandmother really misses my playing. That was 23 years ago. But, I really felt the music that I played, and it probably helped keep me focused during some very trying years. You were a fine pianist yourself, and studying under Leonard Bernstein must have been a real honor. It was an honor to study under you. Your faithful student, Me

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Dearest Russell,

You were the 1^st real love of my life. You were so good to me, patient with me, loving towards me, supportive of me. And weren’t we “good” together? Yet I chose another to marry. For all the wrong reasons. Seeing you every 10 years or so helps me to accept that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ You have had a good life. You have beautiful children…and good career, house, a great wife. I couldn’t have wished better for you in your life. I hope that you are still playing the organ…you were so very talented. I will never forget your puppy-dog eyes. I hope that you will have fond memories of “us”, and know that I am honored to have known and loved you. Love, Me

Dear Catherine,

The burdens in Life that you carry are heavy...I have witnessed this. I hope and pray that you overcome your childhood memories, and remember that you can start your life over whenever you wish to. You are strong...and you are willful. Both will be to your advantage and your detriment. Though we have been "unfair" to each other, at best, over the last five years- I only hold love in my heart for you. You may never see or feel this on a first-hand basis...but just for the record, it is the truth. I wish you the best - your journey will take you to darkness that you have never known, should you stay on the path of your first eighteen years. My prayers are with you. You are on your own. Me

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Dear Kay,

My relationship with you has provided me with many of Life's Lessons. Many disappointments were experienced. Much love and fun and sharing was known. I have backed away from the fire, and need my blisters to heal. I could stand no longer in the heat with you, as you had to trod on ground with which was very dangerous to me. The smoke and the destruction caused by the fire left too much a smoldering hole in my heart, and almost choked the life out of me. Time heals all, and God's Plan for me at the present is unknown. My journey requires more learning still, as I am a Student of Life. It's Recess-time for you - so play and enjoy the sunshine. I have some make-up courses that I have to take that are only Pass/Fail at the present. I wish they were for extra-credit, it would be so much easier. You were like a sister to me - and a mother to Gracie. Love, Me

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Dear Eugene,

I opened my heart to you, but our connection was ephemeral. The nuances and emotions floated on words as they pirouetted across our computer screens and over the pages of the Journal of Our Brief Time Together. We needed each's understanding, as we experienced the writer's dilemma - we both have ultimately faced over and over again in our lives. I was someone you could not have, and certainly not possess. What I wanted for myself in you, what not what I needed at all. By your example and tutelage, I found myself. Finding myself, I saw my soul's purpose. To an enigma encounter in my life...yet a mystery to remain as such. I hope and pray for you to find peace; I continue to read your recent poetry, and it is like a continual looping song of sadness. Finding peace within yourself is the answer, and not looking for it elsewhere. Acceptance. God doesn't wish unhappiness for you, and your Faith in Him is a positive correlation to your happiness. I am happy as much as I am capable of embracing, but will always be a literary rebel on an odyssey of self-discovery. Me

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My Dearest Charles,

How our lives have taken us on such divergent paths - yet they converge from time to time, still. I suppose it will always be that way. Every couple of years. Still wondering "if". We were "promised". Our families met up 3 different generation: your grandmother - my great-grandmother, our own sets of parents, and then you and I. Will we ever be joined by an "and"? It appears not. We have separate lives, yet understanding and respect for where we each are...right now, and always. I will always see you across the stars - as we are

star-crossed lovers. We are, but never were intended to be - as of yet anyway. My prayers are always with you. My love is on the tip of my tongue, and in your heart. If you ever forgot about me - I would surely die. But you died first, and it has destroyed a part in my soul. Our love unrequited. You live in Eternity now, and it may be a while until I see you. But I miss you. And long for the time we passed together - sharing pieces of our souls with each other. Our relationship continues to always be, as it only ever was, an ethereal, stolen moment, Love, Me

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Dear Jenelle,

I miss you. You raised me in the summertimes of my life. You loved me unconditionally. I was your flesh, and we were in each's hearts. I hope I told you often enough how much I loved you. I think I did the last 15 years. I hope you heard every one uttered by myself. How unfair to separate us by death. I will look for you in every ray of sunshine, in every butterfly and in every herb garden. Love, Me

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Dear Jim,

So I found you again, after years of silence and living our lives. How we have changed, and all for the better. We had a chance years ago, but needed to learn about ourselves in a new realm. I respect you. I respect our new lives as they have evolved to something healthy and fulfilling. Who knows ? Who ever really knows what is around the corner for us ? The most bizarre coincidences have happened to lesser, more ordinary lives than ours. We are blessed - together and apart. Respectfully, with Grace, Me

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